


Pain

by jcp_sob_rjl_lmep



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: George Kirk Sr., Kodos - Freeform, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Tarsus IV, frank - Freeform, mentions of Winona Kirk - Freeform, the non-con is with those last two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 12:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5163866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jcp_sob_rjl_lmep/pseuds/jcp_sob_rjl_lmep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Just remember, love is pain," Jim called to them with a crazed grin, "And I have always been so very loved."</p><p>("Sammy, what's love?"<br/>"Love, little brother, is when you steal the chocolate from my bag every day and I still keep it in the same spot.")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain

It all starts when the Denalians ask that there be several commanding officers at the negotiations. Admirals Pike and Archer catch a ride on the _USS Farragut-A,_ andthe entire command crew from the Enterprise beam down to the surface.

On the third day, they announce that they all have someone important from their pasts brought in, so the Denalians can be sure that they're trustworthy. It all goes well until the end, when they bring in Jim's person last.

"I…" Jim clenches his jaw and stares at the blond man.

"Jim?" Len reaches out to his partner.

"Hello, Tibby." George Samuel Kirk smiles at his younger brother.

"You lied." Jim stands up and walks to the wall, facing away from the room.

"Tib," George follows his brother. The room is silent, watching the confrontation. "Tibby, I-"

"No!" Jim interrupts him angrily. "The only person that ever told me Ma was wrong. You're the only one that ever tried to tell me that love didn't equal pain. You're wrong, Sam. I loved _you_."

"I know, Tib. I didn't want to leave you."

"The last words you said were, 'I love you, Tibby, don't look.' What did you expect?"

"You looked." George ducks his head.

"I watched as you died, Sam. They held me down and shot you, beat up your corpse while I screamed at you to wake up. If you would just wake up you could fix everything, right?"

"Tibby," George reaches out for his brother. Jim turns to face him, blue eyes rimmed in red.

"You didn't wake up, Sam. You left me. You promised, Sammy. You promised that love was something good. All I've ever known is pain. I don't think I know the difference anymore. When I love people, I expect them to leave. Guys like me, we don't deserve love. I wait for them to hurt me because that's the only thing I've ever known.

"When we were little, Ma _always_ said, 'If you're not careful, someday, someone's gonna break your heart.' And so I always hid mine, but you wore yours on your sleeve. Which of us was smarter, Sammy? The boy who doesn't know how to love or let himself be loved, or the boy who died talking of love? In the end, who's the one who got it right?"

"C'mere, bluejay." George pulls his brother into an embrace, ignoring the half-hearted struggles and punches Jim lands on his torso.

"You promised." Jim begins to cry into his brother's neck. "Sammy, you _promised_!"

"I know, bluejay. I'm so sorry. I had to save you, little brother. Shh, bluejay, I'm sorry." Slowly, George hums a melody for a few seconds before adding words.

" _I remember tears streaming down your face_  
_When I said, "I'll never let you go"_  
_When all those shadows almost killed your light_  
_I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"_  
_But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight_

_Just close your eyes_  
_The sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright_  
_No one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound_

_Don't you dare look out your window darling_  
_Everything's on fire_  
_The war outside our door keeps raging on_  
_Hold onto this lullaby_  
_Even when the music's gone_  
_Gone_

_Just close your eyes_  
_The sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright_  
_No one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound_

_Just close your eyes_  
_You'll be alright_  
_Come morning light,_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound..."_

George raises his head and looks at Jim's family.

"Take care of him for me." He says steadily, ignoring Jim clutching him tighter. He raises Jim's head to look him in the eyes. "Baby bro, I have to go now. I love you, Tibby, don't look."

"No, no, no, Sam!" Jim sobs as George kisses his forehead and fades away, just like all the other family members that had appeared. Without another word, Jim flees the room.

"Jim!" Len jumps after his partner, but the ambassador from Denal quickly reaches out to stop him.

"Security...will...get...him." The Universal Translator takes longer with Denalian, so the away team has to wait for each word, seemingly an eternity between each. "Follow...me,...please."

They walk behind the ambassador, finally reaching a room devoid of people. A basin sits on top of a waist-high column in the middle of the room, full of a strange glowing liquid.

"What is the purpose of this room?" Jon asks the ambassador. The door on the other side of the room opens to let two security guards yank in a struggling Jim.

"You...shall...see." The ambassador replies as Len tries to get to his partner, stopped by a forcefield in the middle of the room. They cannot touch the basin, but Jim can.

"No! Let me go! Sam, help, please, it _hurts_!" Jim screams, obviously caught up in the past. Len grits his teeth and wraps a hand around Spock's wrist, both of them hating to see him hurting while unable to do anything about it. A moment of clarity flashes through Jim's eyes and he looks up at them.

"Just remember, love is pain," Jim calls to them with a crazed grin, "And I have always been so very loved."

The guard holding Jim's right hand pushes it inside the basin, and suddenly everything goes black.

_\--------_

_Jimmy learns about love when he's four and his mommy comes home for the first time._

_She makes pancakes for dinner, and when he's laying on the floor choking 'cause he's allergic to the blueberries, she holds his head in her lap and strokes his hair, murmuring that she loves him._

_She screams when Sammy presses the hypo into his little brother's neck and saves his life._

_Five months later, she's got a new husband and she's going back into the black. She tells him she loves him as she walks away without even looking back._

\------

_Every time Frank beats them, he says it's because he loves them, he's doing it for them, if they'd only see it his way they'd be thanking him._

_The first time he hits Jimmy, it's because he won't say that he loves Frank._

_By the time Jimmy's six, Frank's worked sex into the equation too._

\------

_Sam dies on Tarsus when Jim's thirteen and he's seventeen, stroking his brother's face and kissing his hair._

_"I love you, Tibby, don't look," he pleads. He's the only person that calls him Tibby, just like how Jim's the only person who calls him Sam._

_Jim watches as they shoot the only person he loves in front of him._

_It's fitting, in a way. Sam's the only one who ever tried to tell him love wasn't pain, and he's also the one that caused the most of it._

\------

_"I do love them blond and blue-eyed. The younger, the better." Kodos grins at Jim, thrashing on the bed where his hands are tied to the headboard. Terrified tears spring to his eyes as Kodos pins him to the bed and runs a hand through his hair. "My last one died, but you won't misbehave, will you, my boy? You'll be my good little toy."_

  
_It_ hurtshurtshurts _every time, but Jim deserves it. Love is pain, right?_

_Right?_

\-------

_In the years after Tarsus, Jim loses himself in bar fights and mindless sex. When the adrenaline pumps through his veins, he can almost feel it... the feeling his brother always called love. It only feels like that when he's hurt, so he gets hurt as often as he can. Masochist, they call him._

_Jim just wants to feel again._

\------

_After he joins Starfleet, he slowly finds himself a part of a ragtag family._

_Christopher Pike and Jonathan Archer, his father-figures, there to help him figure out what he's doing and pull him to the side when his head gets stuck up his ass._

_Nyota Uhura, his older sister, the woman who's not afraid to call him out on his bullshit._

_Hikaru Sulu, his kick-ass brother, the man who will jump to Jim's defense with nothing but his hands and a collapsible katana._

_Pavel Chekov, his little brother, good at making himself look innocent no matter what's going on, but with a fiery temper hidden beneath._

_Montgomery Scott, his oldest brother, the only man who loves the Enterprise more than Jim does._

_Leonard McCoy and Spock, his partners (lover is still too strong a word for Jim). The ones who help him believe his brother might have been right all those years ago._

_Love scares Jim Kirk. He's terrified of how easy it is for him to love these eight people._

\------

_"Ma, what's love?" Big blue eyes in a face far too like his father's. It hurts to look, but she can't bring herself to look away._

_"Love is pain, Jim. Don't ever fall in love. You'll only break your heart, in the end."_

_"But Sammy said-"_

_"Your brother's always been a romantic person, Jim. Love is pain. Don't fall for it." She leaves him there, on the porch, staring up at the stars with tears in his eyes._

_When he tells his brother later, Sam draws him into an embrace and tells him their mother was hurt by love, and so it made her angry._

_"Don't believe her, Tib. Love isn't pain." His voice is strong for an eleven-year-old, brown eyes practically glowing with conviction._

_"Sammy, what's love?"_

_"Love, little brother, is when you steal the chocolate from my bag every day and I still leave it in the same spot."_

_It's too late, though. The seeds are planted. Little Jimmy Kirk won't believe his brother's words after his death, at which point they'll slip from his mind._

_When he finally remembers them again, he's twenty-six, with his new family around him, and he cries, because his brother was right. Love isn't pain._

_It's something so much better._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I told you there was a non-porn work coming out soon!  
> It's very angsty, but, y'know, you can't have everything you want.  
> As always, I'm on tumblr at iwillstaywiththemforever, so come see me, say hey, lurk for a while, whatever floats your boat.  
> Downloads are fine, but please don't repost this work anywhere else without my permission!  
> Bye guys :D


End file.
